Location: Darkest, Thetford

Crime: Breach of Countryside Code

Weapon used: His indecency

Socrates: “Countryside code, point 7: Leave livestock, crops and machinery alone. Just wasn't going to happen, not a chance.”

Interlocutor: “How did it go down homes?”

Socrates: “The Belgian was – as per usual – deep in the mire. He'd just taken delivery of a four piece suite, including two standard chairs, sofa, recliner. It was quite a nice set, though in a particularly gaudy shade of leather. The Belgian was just about sit down to warm his scars on this new furnishing when disaster struck. There was a small piece of porcelain selotaped to the centre of the central cushion – Right In The Middle Of The Sofa!!! This was distressing enough on its own, but the situation was compounded by the skrawking of a passing raven which cut through the Belgian's consciousness like a rusty gully through the guts of a treacherous cello.”

Interlocutor: “I am thus-far unamused. This story has lacked coherence and cock/balls based gags”

Socrates: “I am shamed by your directness. I shall cede place to Platon who will finish this story.”

Platon: “Brushed the wrong way, much like a brute using a 'Brillo' pad in a Teflon pan, the Belgian broke like a bent erection erroneously pushed through a mouse hole mistaken for a gloryhole. He ran out his abode like a churl and scampered off to the countryside, tail firmly positioned between the legs. He had recently been humiliated in a sexual encounter. In short, he said that she decided to:

"Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call[ed] me an ugly woman
And [took] my picture to show
All the people [she] work[ed] with"

That day, in the countryside, he, driven to madness and beyond, committed a rape, a murder and an act of petty vandalism on a livestock, a crop and on a machine (the latter not necessarily corresponding to the order of the earlier). The real question is, given the enormity of this set of crimes, why he got away with being charged solely with the preach of the countryside code, an offence in the minds of neither the law nor the men who make those laws.